Archive for jew

Two for the price of one.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2010 by ali

Music to a Jew’s ears!! Look, I had a crappy day but then and I came home to check my e-mail and to my surprise, I saw something great. What is this greatness you ask? The 76ers get to select 2nd overall in the 2010 NBA Draft Lottery! Watch out now!! If there is a god I will get another great e-mail saying that Elton “Fat Neck” Brand has been traded. Hey, a girl can dream that this night will end on a good note!

My beautiful friend Kelly sent me some scandalous and riDICulous videos this week-end and I thought, I shouldn’t be the only one with these crazy ass videos stuck in the head. The boys (I pray they are “of age”)  should be ashamed of themselves, respetitively. Especially the skinny humping guys with the “gangsta” names.  Haha, I’m guessing they are gay because I don’t think straight dudes would all get together in one room and do this. In that case…they should switch up their ummm…techniques.

Prepare to be dazzled…especially by grey sweatpants guy in the newest made-up dance. Apparently you have to have a Youtube account to view this repulsive…I mean sexy thrustastic video. This guy breaks it down. I’m backing it up.

True story.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2009 by ali
First let me explain where I received a hundred dollar bill since I am still unemployed. (Anyone hiring? Hook a bitch up!) Unfortunately, I bank with Wells Fargo and if you deposit a check they take about two days to clear. Thanks for the speedy service WF…not. This lady at my jeep/finance place told me to cash it at Wal-Mart (I know, I know) because then I can deposit the cash in my bank and it’s available now. THAT BEING SAID (DT)…I went to Wal-Mart today to cash this puppy so I can pay some bills and the guy hands me a hundred with two little stamps on it. One stamp caught my eye immediately. (I’m not sure what the other stamp is or means and if anyone knows PLEASE tell me.) I couldn’t believe the luck of this particular bill ending up in my hands of all people. Haven also had to bring up the irony of being “a big Jew” and getting this bill. Don’t worry peeps, I took a picture of it before I gave it to the teller…back side up with the stamp showing. She didn’t even flinch. She was Catholic I’m sure.

Maybe this bill was formerly owned by Mel Gibson??
Maybe this bill was formerly owned by Mel Gibson??

Sicko.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2009 by ali

Ughhh…I have been sick since Saturday. Throat is all gross, head all cloudy, I sound like a dude…I feel like shit. No bueno. I do feel a little better today, not that you asked, but I do. Nurse Haven walked to the store today and got me some “Hispanic Jell-O” because it was cheapest. I couldn’t be prouder of my little Jew, well, if she happened to have a coupon it would’ve been better but you get the matzo ball I’m throwing. During my bout with swine flu I happened upon yet another gem from MTV. (Damn I miss music videos.) It’s called “Is she really going out with him” and it is unbelievable. No really, I don’t believe this shit is real. PLEASE check it out if you are bored, stoned, or you are laid up with the swine flu. I felt like I dreamed it up until I saw yet another commercial for it. “Obvi” it’s a real show. As for now, I am just watching the clock until the House Ho’s of New Jersey reunion starts. I love those bitches. Well not you Danielle. Must go medicate.

Move over Kanye, there is a new gay fish in town.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2009 by ali

WHOO HOOO!!! I am finally done with my fake ass radio station for school!!! Somebody please queue “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang! Hey, do you think they were Crips or Bloods? Either way, I am SO happy to have this off of my plate and if I may so myself…it’s pretty believable. Yes, I will be crushed if I don’t get a perfect score…well, maybe I can treat her to a few cocktails before she grades it? You know I love to count things so believe that shit took me 67 hours all together. I know, I was soooo close. Sickos.

I wanted to mention something I usually don’t. Eminem. Sharon (aka My Sharona) is in LOVE with this fool. She’s been riding him like, well, like she does since day one. I am a little more of a tough sell. I did a CD review on his new CD for the magazine and I just said it was good because I knew Sharon would never forgive me if I bashed it. Never believe what you read peeps. Take it from a Jew. We’re smarter. So we all know this feminine looking man-boy Eminem is a homophobe and even singing with Sir Queen Elton John can’t make me believe otherwise…until the other night at the MTV Movie Awards. I’m posting the video although I am sure you have all seen it by now. I just have to say when I saw it “pseudo-live” I was 100% sure he was not only the baby’s daddy…but it was real as can be. Low and behold it comes out that Emifem was in on it and his acting abilities mirror that of his ex-lay Mariah Skanky. To that I say, THANK YOU EMINEM. You have finally grown up. I can’t believe I am going to say this BUT maybe more people can take a tip from this umm…rapper? He finally realized it doesn’t mean you are gay if you have a straight man teabag you. Wait, what? Oh, and as usual…screw all of you Yes on 8 a-holes.

In case you live in a cave (Bin Laden) here is the video. I guess their company keeps pulling the clip so I found it on some Euro channel. It’s magic. OH…haha…GO MAGIC!!!

UPDATE: I had to re-post this video; I promise you I won’t be doing it again. This time it’s better because Kelly’s 2nd favorite kitty will play you off. If it gets pulled again you my friend, are on your own.

Ughhhh!!

Posted in The Answer with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2009 by ali

I miss basketball already. I have been searching for jobs for the last four hours and I am so desperate (not in that way, you wish) for some Playoff action I had to put on my DVR’d Nuggets/Whorenets game on. You know, the one where the Chris Pansey’s got beat the eff down. Sad I know but while job searching and listening to the sound of sneakers on a court (my mating sound) I came across this f-ing hysterical picture. I’ve seen it once before but it still makes me laugh. Back to watching J.R. Boo make it rain on the HorNOT’s. Duces. (not in the dropping duces kind of way either sickos)

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?" Billy Connolly

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?" Billy Connolly

I love the 80’s!!

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2009 by ali

So while looking for a new CD to review (story to follow) I stumbled upon this game on MSN. Don’t ask me how I got there but it happened. This game is on 80’s music trivia and who doesn’t love a little trivia?? Am I right? Here is the link…play at your leisure. I posted my score below; I challenge you to beat it. I was on a mutha f-ing roll son! Yeaaah son!

Your score: 47,740 (And when it says “yours” it means mine! I just wanted to back up my skills.) Enjoy.

http://zone.msn.com/en/celebtrivia/80smusic_default.htm

 Now…fun stuff aside. I got a call from the magazine today telling me I needed to pick another CD to review because someone already did mine. I didn’t realize Day 26 was so important. My bad Diddy! I’m really bummed because I thought it was such a great article. Now I am on the prowl for a new one…I am at a loss. I thought the review deserves a reading so I am posting it here. A Jew is just trying to save you all the money. Again, I am sorry Diddy. I hope you enjoy it. I know my new friend Marrrcuusss will hate it. My sentiments exactly. I’m talking about the Day 26 album that is…

 

Artist: Day 26

Album: Forever in a Day

Making The Band’s group Day 26 sophomore endeavor is an obvious attempt at a great R&B album but great…it is not. On Forever In A Day the guys showcase their talent as a legitimate group and keep guest appearances to a minimum, which is refreshing. And don’t get me wrong, they all sing like angels but the addition of the played-out auto tune and collaborating with the over-used T-Pain really disappoints. The track Babymaker is just plain gross too. Good thing Jermaine Dupri was on hand to save the day with Need That. Other notable tunes are…umm…none of them.

Dedicated to Ginger, I miss you already….

Posted in WTF? with tags , , , , , , , on October 14, 2008 by ali

**** DISCLAIMER: I WROTE THIS FRIDAY NIGHT AND SEAGRAMS PREVENTED ME FROM PROPERLY HITTING THE “PUBLISH” BUTTON. EVEN BETTER…I BARELY REMEBER WRITING THIS. SORRY ROC, I CAN’T GIVE YOU A TIME. ENJOY…

All I can say to sum up my week is HOLY SHIT. So more “restructuring” at my job. One of my best friends at work, we’ll call her Ginger, got “restructured” out of her job on Wednesday. Not a good way to celebrate hump day…fo really doe. I am so glad the week is over. Working while holding your breath, hoping you’re not next on the chopping block. Is this how my life is? I drive home looking at the homes wondering if there is some 33 year old in there living the life I want…sorta. I do want the house, man do I want a house. A driveway…a garage. I guess if it comes with the “All American” guy with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever and picket fence, count me out.

Tonight I am struggling to find motivation to write three reviews and an editorial on this amazing store I went to last night in Long Beach. I must be having writer block, at least when it comes to paying me to write. That’s weird. (On a side note, I soooo want to live in the area I keep being sent to by the magazine.) This store I am going to give an honest opinion to, and I am going to give a plug to (haha) is Visionary Artwork on 2915 E. Broadway. The reason I am telling you this is this store is unreal. You looking for a gift?? You’ll find it here. You looking to get creative? You’ll find it here. Anyways, you catch what I’m softball slow pitching. I found a gift for all of you there. Get ready for a unique gift for Hanukah, Christmas and Kwanza folks. No kreplack for you this year DT! May I just add another side note, I hope DT has a better week next than this one. This week was hard for all of us and DT is usually my “silver lining” at the job. This week, he was (as he calls me) “Negative Nancy” just like me. Only the male version.  Let us pray. Oh shit, happy Jew Year my fellow Heebs. For the record, I did not fast. Hell to the no.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day. I am going to check out my friend’s new apartment in Long Beach…and check out a few bars. My kiddo is at a softball tournament for the weekend in Las Vegas. Lucky ass girl. I have to go kick Mike’s ass in Super Mario Brothers real quick…we keeps it old school.