Archive for January, 2010

We always hang in a Buffalo Stance.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2010 by ali

I don’t know if you noticed but I added Twitter to the side of the page. Yeah…I know, Twitter. Whateves. If you click on the links you can see the Q&A’s I am doing for this paper/online magazine called OC Weekly. I mean if you want. If you don’t go ____ yourself. You can insert your own adjective there. So needless to say I have been keeping busy with this new writing gig but I’ve still been keeping up with the who’s and what’s. That being said (DT); I don’t have anything against Gilbert Arenas or that Crittenton dude (besides that they’re on the Wizards and that is a lame name) but come the eff on NBA!! If I brought a gun to work, I’d be fired on the spot. If a basketball player does drugs he’s out. But these guys were suspended without pay? That’s it? Arenas’s contract is for 111 million dollars!!! So take a half season out of that and hells no. I’m so sick of celebrities getting over on shit that would ruin our lives if it happened to us. On a better basketball note (and besides A.I. looking fine), apparently Greg Oden from the Trailblazers has a big dick. There are “sexy” pictures of this “gas face” man butt ass naked and believe the ones I saw had a HUGE censor sign over the “junk” region. I guess it does pay to get busted with nekkid (as Arsenio would say) pictures on the internet. If I can’t find a full time job soon…you better get your sunglasses. You girl is pale.

I’m sure you’ve all (hopefully) seen “Gino the Ginny” but I had forgotten all about him until Mike brought it up the other day. So funny, he could teach the New Jersey Shore douches some dance moves. I sorta hope you haven’t seen it so I could be the “funny one” who showed you…

ENOUGH ALREADY!!

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2010 by ali

 

No glove no love. YOU HEAR THAT PC???

I know it’s been awhile but as usual, I have a valid excuse. I don’t know if you can feel my pain but my computer contracted a nasty STD we are calling “PC-HIV.” Apparently the spyware that my internet/ cable provider (Cox, no relation to Erin unfortunately) gives us customers FREE security as a “perk.” AS IF. After my computer became promiscuous and “opened up” to four different viruses, Cox told me they weren’t trained to remove the viruses. So let me get this straight Cox Communications. Between Cox and McAfee (the brand of the spyware) neither of you are trained to fix it?? Gotcha, so I’ll just be in computer hell because YOU offered a free service and oddly enough YOU can’t fix it. Unreal. I am about sick of being ripped the EFF off by Cox. Pun intended. It got me thinking about other things I am sick of. I’ll just give you a few because if you know me, then you know this list could go on and on and on and on and…you get it.

 Tiger Woods: Why don’t people stop blaming him for not being a good role model to their kids…be a damn role model yourself parents! That is what you are supposed to do in YOUR OWN LIFE. I am so sure you have never made a mistake right? Oh you’re perfect?? Bullshit. Tiger should NEVER release a statement about what happened in his own personal life. Wanna know why?? Oh I think you know, it’s none of your business. Maybe the guy wants to live his OWN life and make money in golf because he’s great. Blame his sponsors for making him famous. Can’t you just appreciate his “gift of golf” and step off his personal life? I see TONS of people stroking Kobe’s balls but have they forgotten he also cheated on his wife? Michael Jordan is a legend…who also cheated.  Who are you to judge?

 Kardashians ( ALL of them): Are you guys kidding me?? Yeah, Kim is beautiful but seriously folks. She’s famous for having a sex-tape with gross ass Ray-J. She’s now a role model but Tiger isn’t?? HA! What is wrong with this world? Everywhere I look there is a member of their over-rated family in my grill. Their whiney voices are like nails on a chalk board at this point. Khloe aka K-hole, aka Transvestite has a lot of nerve going on a show called “Fashion Police.” Are you f-ing kidding me?? Every single time I see that dude she’s wearing an off the shoulder shirt. ALWAYS! Always the same style, usually black. And you have the nerve to judge anyone’s style with that redundant look you rock? PLEASE!!! They might as well put me on there because I rock my black sweater 4 out of 7 days a week so I must be an expert! Oh, and I saw that Quick Trim commercial those ho’s are pitching and if you look really close, you can see Khole’s left nut. Let’s turn the attention to “The Uterus” aka Kris. How come they FULLY covered Bruce Jenner’s face lift but somehow Kris’s face keeps getting tighter and more stretched back every time I see her? Why don’t they cover that? I mean, since she’s famous for being the wife of Bruce Jenner. Sick family…and I mean sick in a vomiting kind of way.

 Anyone who has more than 8 kids: STOP F-ING AND GET A REAL JOB!! Seriously, you are nasty. We already have WAYYY too many people in this world. Not to mention a shitload of orphans who would LOVE to be adopted. You make me sick. Stop making a career out of exploiting your kids and get your tubes tied. Matter of fact, channels that help make these shows possible should be ashamed as well.

 Audi’s in Orange County: There must have been a sale on Audi’s because it seems like everyone and their mama’s can afford an Audi now. Remember when they were a classy car? Now they are the staple of the OC douche bag. (This does NOT apply to Taryn, he looks sexy in his.) The best part is you can get an Audi easy but when it comes time to repair your “luxury car” it’s pretty damn pricey. Case in point; a spectacular looking Audi sat outside my mechanic’s shop for three months. Why so long? The part was three grand…and no it wasn’t for a new engine!! Am I jealous because deep down I really want one? Haha, I can barely afford to fix my Jeep. You’d think I’d get a discount because I bought American. **RETRACTION: Thanks to the hottest cat lady EVER Kelly, I no longer have to feel bad about my friend Taryn driving an Audi and my eye-rolling for Audi’s. Turns out he drives a Volva…I mean Volvo. Phewwww!

 The 76ers losing: I’ll end this with the obvious. STOP IT!! Enough said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2010 by ali

Yep!! I’m talking to you Gaykers!! I guess Lamar’s cockiness last night was the team’s demise. Cockiness is next to douchiness. Isn’t that how the saying goes? Don’t worry Lamekers you are not alone. One of my all time favorite porky pig’s to “hate on” Mariah Skanky gave an AWESOME drunk ass speech at the Palm Springs International Film Festival (you’re not alone, I’ve never heard of it either). Why was she there? No idea. She sucks. But what doesn’t suck is her speech. In my book (also known as the Torali) it’s the best performance I have ever seen from her. Now let’s all thank the podium for shielding what is hiding behind it…her size 10 body squeezed into a size zero dress.

Technical difficulties.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 3, 2010 by ali

YES I am talking to YOU 76ers!!! WTF? As if sitting behind “Heckler McGee” wasn’t bad enough…the 76ers choked like Lamar on his husband Khloe. Yes, Allen brought sexy back (as if it ever left) but then didn’t play the rest of the third and fourth with some knee pain. I wish I could say I caused it. I did however catch a full on view of his upper thigh region in the 3rd…I did mention the awesome seat right? Yeah…that drumstick made the seats behind the 80 year-old a-hole (who thought he was the coach of the Clippers) all worth it. I also happen to be having difficulties with Haven’s camera. Being that I think her camera is better than mine I borrowed hers. Turns out her camera is as shitty as mine. Oh, and her camera cord OF COURSE is not here. So whenever my 14 year old thinks of something other than texting, I will be able to post the crap pictures I took. BOOOOOOOO!!!