Archive for September, 2009

If you liked it then you shoulda put a rubber on it.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2009 by ali

I came across this product today in my neighbor’s Cosmopolitan magazine. While I think that this product (brought to you by Identigene) will be extremely helpful on the East coast in particular, I can’t help but think about my beloved MoPo. I really hope a sales spike in home DNA tests will not cause the end of Maury Povich’s paternity bonanza. Although, the skanky ho baby holders on “the Po” probably couldn’t afford the price tag on a test like this…there is hope after all.

I hope it at least comes with a “You are NOT the father” button you can wear with pride.

I hope it at least comes with a “You are NOT the father” button you can wear with pride.

ON A SIDE NOTE: And TOTALLY off the subject. This has gone way too far. I’m not knocking the show Glee because it stars the very hilarious Jane Lynch but really guys. This song/dance has now officially been done to DEATH!!

Obsession.

Posted in TV + Insomnia= Story of my life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2009 by ali

It’s DEXTER!!! If you don’t have Showtime you are a fool. Dexter is easily the best thing since sliced 6 Feet Under on HBO. Did that make sense? Who cares? If you are not watching Dexter you best be catching up. Tonight was a crazy TV night because not only did Dexter premiere (FINALLY) on Showtime, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Californication gave new material!! WTF?? What is an unemployed girl to watch?? Thanks to my DVR (DT) I can watch ALL of them and all I can say is, INVEST! Get your hot ass HBO and Showtime! You are a crack head (with a life) if you don’t. Really…Dexter…I was worried about my sanity until you came along. I don’t want to ruin anything if you happen to be cool and already watch Dexter BUT… John Lithgow?? Making it interesting for mama. I likey. Can a chick get a woody?

Football is phallic.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2009 by ali

Who knew? While spending another most exciting day watching Mike watch football, I started to notice that the announcers get away with saying some outlandish shit! I decided to chronicle the top five gems so you can see not only how mature I am but also, how dirty football really is. (Besides the grown ass men jumping all over each other.) If they keep talking about balls like this I just might become a fan. Well, not like I am a basketball fan, but I might be able to at least stay awake. Maybe…

*Biggest Tight End (I guess a big ass can be tight? Who knew?)

*If he didn’t bobble the ball, he could have scored! (Hey, some guys don’t like their balls bobbled. To each his own!)

*Rivers has shown San Diego his best ball in the 4th quarter. (I wonder if it was the left or right.)

*Looking for an open hole. (I’m sure some of you can relate.)

*Jammer squirts though. (Sounds like what happened to Lil Wayne.)

As you can see it was a most eventful Sunday. I would also like to say the upcoming nuptials of Khloe Kardamazon to Lamar Scrodum are ridiculous. I mean, after dating a month? I am hoping they don’t breed. PLEASE be sterile Khloe. Wait, guys can’t get pregnant…phew!! I believe Chris “Birdman” Andersen said it best, “Lamar Odom is marrying one of the Kardashian’s? It’s going to be hard to eat all those Skittles w/ a cold sore, Lamar.” The Birdman isn’t just sexy, he’s funny too. Mama likey. 

I’m in Miami Biiiatch!

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2009 by ali

I don’t know if you are watching the show Police Woman of Broward County but if you aren’t, you should. These pretty bitches kick ass! Although I noticed when it comes time to “apprehend” the suspect they already happen to be 1/2 of the way contained…

I bet you can’t wait for basketball to start so I will stop talking about the Ho’s but since it hasn’t, the Househo’s of Hotlanta are out of f-ing control! Kim is the biggest drag queen although I am sure she wouldn’t throw herself down a set of stairs you stupid bitch Lisa. Lisa should be removed from the show simply because she is so irritating. From her voice to her lies…ughhh. If you are “tardy for this party” I totally forgive you. I am secretly ashamed myself…

CONGRATS to my “old man crush” David Letterman for booking the one and only Barack Obama. That shit is amazing. What’s even more amazing is that spell check picked up the word “Barack” but not Obama. Get with the times Microsoft!! 

Stirring the pot.

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2009 by ali

HA to the HA. Turns out Michael Baisden’s racist ass got dropped from yet another radio station, this time in Detroit. You must know by now this very excellent news pleases me to no end. As I posted many times before, I was hoping other stations would follow suit and drop him and BAM!!! They are! Could it be because of his blame shifting and blatant finger pointing? Maybe it was because of the way he keeps racism alive by continuously “stirring the pot?” Wait; maybe it was because he didn’t turn over all the charity money that he was begging/ campaigning for? Who really gives a shit? Apparently not the public (aka the listeners) who want him gone. Look, the guy is an a-hole so good for you Detroit station that dropped him. Gold star! Oh, and speaking of “gold star,” thank you Lil “uncovered main vein” Wayne for not naming your baby some jacked up name…like you have in the past. Oh hell, why we are on the “gold star” topic, good one Obama. Thank you for nailing it on the head without using a racial slur. Double gold star for you because you’re sexy. Yeah, I said it.

Congrats?

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2009 by ali

In case you are wondering Roc; it’s 3:51 am. My schedule is all sorts of off. I just wanted to say congrats (I think) to Lil Wayne who welcomed his THIRD child with a woman who is way too beautiful for him, Lauren London. It’s a boy! No name yet and no FOURTH child yet for the “Lil Sperm Donor,” that should come any day now with my beautiful boyfriend’s poor excuse for a “top 5 list of people I can cheat with,” Nivea. (Seriously, when Allen Iverson and Pharrell Williams are on my “top 5 list” you would think he’d step up his game, I guess not.) Luckily for Lauren/Weezy’s baby, the reports say the baby has Lauren’s dimples. Let’s hope this “Lil Baby” doesn’t look like Wayne AT ALL. Ewww. 

Did Lauren have a momentary lapse of blindness??

Did Lauren have a momentary lapse of blindness??

Totally disgusting. You’ve been warned.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2009 by ali

I just saw the most repulsive commercial EVER!!! I apologize ahead of time for the visual but I am a firm believer in “if I have to see it, you have to see it.” If you happen to need this product for yourself, well then you are welcome I’m bringing this to your attention. If you don’t happen too need the product Tineacide then hopefully you will agree with me when I say, what Tineacide makers find “desirable” is extremely UNdesirable. I mean, they are right. The undesirable toe is f-ing VERY gross. But what this product claims is better? HELLO?? It’s still f-ing sick. Maybe with every purchase of Tineacide you should get a free pair of sox. Or Uggs. For shit’s sake a pair of Croc’s are more desirable! No bueno.

Again...I apologize for the visual.

Again...I apologize for the visual.