Archive for July, 2009

BREAKING NEWS!!! (NOT Michael Jackson related)

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2009 by ali

When I was in school we had lecture every Thursday. One of the lectures was on something like “Program Director” (I think…you can see I paid a lot of attention.) and the guy giving the lecture was pretty cool. (Very opinionated, but ok by me.) He also happens to put out an “e-mail blast” type thing telling you what’s up in the world of “urban” music. Tonight I got home from G’s birthday bar-nanza and was pleasantly surprised to receive my update from the dark side. Haha. Here’s where we get to the breaking news…and please people, try not to have a heart attack, crap yourself, or pass out from this most significant news. Ja Rule has been forced to cancel a tour of Australia this after running into issues with his visa from the Immigration Department. WHAT?? Oh please!! This Ja Rule update is not really shocking news in my book. Nor is it truthful in my book. Wait, who the eff is Ja Rule?? Oh yeah, I remember that smurf. This is an obvious lie to cover up the fact that NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT JA RULE!! Listen, I speak the truth. I actually had the honor of seeing Ludacris in concert (for the first time) about five years back. The catch? Ja Rule would be performing too. Being up close for a Luda concert is a good thing believe me. I figured we’d just go stand in the beer line during that douche bags performance. Turns out after a few drinks I just had to see what Ja Rule was wearing. Hey, I’m a chick! Don’t judge. Turns out, it was the best part of the night because not only was this foolio wearing a two-toned (red and black) doo rag; he got pissed when the audio went out. (A sign from God??) He cussed out the sound guys, threw his mic down, and stormed off stage. That little ass tiny mofo! I almost peed I laughed so hard. So to you Ja Rule, you has-been hack of a wannabe rapper, I feel sorry you have to lie about why you can’t leave the country. Visa issues my ass. The USA would be happy to send that garbage you try to pass off as “music” as well as your two-toned doo rags the EFF out of here. You haven’t been shit since 2003. I did the research and Ja Rule put out a “Greatest Hits” (as if) album in 2005 and it failed to move up ANY chart ANYWHERE. Specifically in the USA and in Australia. So listen here Ja Rule, you can thank the Urban Buzz for this verbal beat down. And you can also stop lying to yourself and those around you. NO ONE wants to hear your “music” with your wannabe DMX style, your squinty little eyes, and your crooked ass face. Try to find another country that will accept your Visa because the polls are in and the charts in the good old US of A say you, are out. Slip that under your doo rag and think about it.

People who are 5'4" are NOT hardcore. Oh, and nice outti.

People who are 5'4" are NOT hardcore. Oh, and nice outti.

The best shit ever.

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , , on July 25, 2009 by ali

Wow…not like that. Sickos. This couple kicks ass. I’d like to add them to my rolodex of friends because these peeps know how to get down. And yes, the music is Chris Brown. Suck in that Rhiforeheada.

UPDATE: I guess the owners of this most awesome video want you to watch it on You Tube so just click on it. Trust a girl, it’s worth it.

True story.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2009 by ali
First let me explain where I received a hundred dollar bill since I am still unemployed. (Anyone hiring? Hook a bitch up!) Unfortunately, I bank with Wells Fargo and if you deposit a check they take about two days to clear. Thanks for the speedy service WF…not. This lady at my jeep/finance place told me to cash it at Wal-Mart (I know, I know) because then I can deposit the cash in my bank and it’s available now. THAT BEING SAID (DT)…I went to Wal-Mart today to cash this puppy so I can pay some bills and the guy hands me a hundred with two little stamps on it. One stamp caught my eye immediately. (I’m not sure what the other stamp is or means and if anyone knows PLEASE tell me.) I couldn’t believe the luck of this particular bill ending up in my hands of all people. Haven also had to bring up the irony of being “a big Jew” and getting this bill. Don’t worry peeps, I took a picture of it before I gave it to the teller…back side up with the stamp showing. She didn’t even flinch. She was Catholic I’m sure.

Maybe this bill was formerly owned by Mel Gibson??
Maybe this bill was formerly owned by Mel Gibson??

A.I. to L.A.?

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2009 by ali
The man, the myth, the Clipper?

The man, the myth, the Clipper?

WHAT??? My boo??? Oh my god, I need to get a Brazilian. I can’t believe Allen “fine as wine” Iverson is in talks with the Clippers!!! Iverson, I missed that word. In my book it goes like this, Iverson comes to the Clips and he’s in it for the money (maybe his last year in the NBA?) with no hopes of winning a ring. Even with all of the 1st round draft pick Blake Griffin and “Big Jowls” Barron hype. Not gonna happen, wouldn’t be prudent. I not so secretly hope Elton Brand picks up a heroin habit and loses his contract and The Answer goes back to the 76ers like it should be. But for now, I secretly hope he comes here and on the off chance that my folks are reading this…season tickets for Hannukah?

Villaraigosa should be fired.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , on July 15, 2009 by ali

I don’t live in LA County but I do live in over-glorified (and broke) California. I am also a fan who is sick to death of the on-going Michael Jackson exploitation…err…coverage that is on TV/radio 24/7. Even my main bitch Nancy Grace is talking about it. (I like it better when she talks about missing kids.) With all of this media attention focused on MJ and his collapsed veins, his burial spot, his doctor, and his kids, people have failed to get pissed about the amount of money LA County paid to have this “once in a life-time event.” TONS of overtime, TONS to clean it up, TONS to shut down a whole f-ing freeway just so the Jackson “klan” (not in a racist way) could roll to an after party after the memorial circus ceremony. Today I read a statement from LA’s mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who happened to be vacationing in South Africa (must be nice) when 17,000 extra people flocked to “his city.” I just wanted to share his statement with you all and remind you that California IS BROKE. California is writing IOU’s to hard working people who need that money but can’t get it because California is BROKE.

This is a world-class city, and we provide fire and police protection, period,” Villaraigosa said during his first public appearance since returning from his weeklong trip. “The idea that we would charge the family for a funeral is nonsensical.”

Villaraigosa is the one who is nonsensical. And since I looked up the meaning of the word “nonsensical” I can stand behind that statement. Villaraigosa is a douche. I think that jet-setting a-hole should pay for it out of his own pockets. Or what about the Jackson family??? For shit sakes, they are Jewier than my people! Who the EFF would pay for MJ’s funeral is he wasn’t “The King Of Pop?” YOU WOULD.  I mean really, it seems like the Jackson family and Antonio are the only ones these days that aren’t struggling for money…and there’s your sign.

One-Night Stands…shut up, you’ve had one.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , on July 10, 2009 by ali

I just got finished reading “My Horizontal Life” (A collection of one-night stands) by Chelsea Handler…cover to cover. I remembered I needed to read more and since I am tired of reading job postings, I decided to pick up this book. I read her other “Vodka” book she has and it was pretty good. But this one, I only put down three times to go pee. Hey, I had a lot of water! Completely hysterical, totally relatable (don’t judge me), and a good read from start to finish. Literally. Pick it up if you know what’s good for you. I’d let you borrow mine since I’m done but because some a-hole still has my 6 Feet Under DVD collection and F-ING KNOWS THEY HAVE HAD IT FOR 3+ YEARS AND STILL HASN’T RETURNED IT TO ME, you can get your own.

“We be big pimpin’, spendin’ cheese” Jay-Z

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2009 by ali

I’ve mentioned my friend Britt before; he’s one of the funniest people I have EVER met. Forever ever? Yes. I have a ton-o-nicknames for Brittapotomus Rex but today…he topped all of them. With a little thanks to a website he sent me, you too can get your very own “pimp handle.” “Tricktickler Pugh Ice” really shows the kind of pimp that Brittle Berry Crunch is on a daily basis. To tell you the truth, it puts my Brittimus Maximus names to shame. I too had to be “cool” so I found my very own pimp handle. Please refer to me as “Sticky Fingers Ali Slim” from now on. On a side note, I also got Haven one (I thought it was only fitting) so she is now “Sweet Chocolate H. Tickle” and Mike is now “Golden Brown Mike Wicked.” Apparently this website is also psychic.

Get your own “pimp handle” or…maybe you’re in the market for a new gold grill (DT) or a classy challis to put your gin and juice in? Wow…pimpin’.