Archive for June, 2009

Day 8.

Posted in TV + Insomnia= Story of my life with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 29, 2009 by ali

No, I’m not talking Hanukkah. I am talking this mofo-ing illness I have. Seriously, it’s been eight days since I left my house. Whatever this knock off swine flu crap is I have includes this amazing “tunnel hearing” and it s-u-c-k-s. Not that watching TV from my bed/couch for over a week isn’t just the greatest…it just really isn’t. I mean, I’m all caught up on every show I ever wanted to be and if any of you have a question about ANY show, I’m your gal. Not that I’d be able to hear if you asked me. You know, I guess I should just be happy I am alive at this point right? It pretty much seems like everyone is dropping like flies. Ed McMahon, Farrah, MJ, and now Billy Mays? Shit is crazy. If it happens in three’s and Billy Mays just died, does this mean there will be two more? I almost feel like I should start a betting pool as to which the next two will be! Oh and soooo shocking to see wormy ass “Rev” Al Sharpton and disgraceful Jesse Jokeson slinking out of the woodworks to get their “15 minutes” on after MJ died. You two guys are the most PATHETIC “men” I have ever come across to pass judgment on. If the rule is true and it does happen in threes, you two a-holes get my vote.



Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2009 by ali

Ughhh…I have been sick since Saturday. Throat is all gross, head all cloudy, I sound like a dude…I feel like shit. No bueno. I do feel a little better today, not that you asked, but I do. Nurse Haven walked to the store today and got me some “Hispanic Jell-O” because it was cheapest. I couldn’t be prouder of my little Jew, well, if she happened to have a coupon it would’ve been better but you get the matzo ball I’m throwing. During my bout with swine flu I happened upon yet another gem from MTV. (Damn I miss music videos.) It’s called “Is she really going out with him” and it is unbelievable. No really, I don’t believe this shit is real. PLEASE check it out if you are bored, stoned, or you are laid up with the swine flu. I felt like I dreamed it up until I saw yet another commercial for it. “Obvi” it’s a real show. As for now, I am just watching the clock until the House Ho’s of New Jersey reunion starts. I love those bitches. Well not you Danielle. Must go medicate.

Motivation zero.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2009 by ali

Ever have one of those weeks were no one really takes you serious because you are always the “joker” type? Well screw you then. I hear tons of problems without ever being taken seriously when I have a problem of my own. It’s a hard act to keep up sometimes and it takes its toll peeps. I figure if I live to 68 this could be my midlife crisis so sorry I haven’t written for a few days…I guess my planets weren’t aligned or something.

Adding to the rain cloud is my menstrual computer. It just shut down on me last night and when I tried to turn it back on I got some “fan not working may overheat” message. Today I took the fan out (not too hard, it just pops out after you unscrew it) and took it to Best Buy. That is where I experienced the feeling of being socially raped (back door style) by the Geek Squad. Basically I was told it would cost me $50 for him to re-screw the 4 screws in after I drove 30 miles to Fryes to get the fan because they didn’t have it like their website said they did. So let me get this straight Geek A-hole. Not only did Best Buy get me to drive there under false pretences but now I need to drive 20 minutes (I drive fast) for a $10 fan and then come back to Best Buy for you to screw 4 f-ing screws in for me? How do you think I unscrewed it in the first place you idiot? Think I am unfamiliar with a screwdriver?? My theory, and I am standing firm when I say this is I was targeted because I am a female who knows little about computer repair. I am writing this from the computer I fixed for $10 myself by the way. In these “economically challenging” times I find it disgraceful that Best Buy’s Geek Squad would rip off their community. BOYCOTT Best Buy.

Oh, and NYC drivers were named America’s “most aggressive.” As always New York, I like your style.

Best part of the whole game…

Posted in Testies testies, one, two... with tags , , , , , , , on June 12, 2009 by ali

Lucky for you I didn’t pay any attention to the game tonight. Instead, I focused my small attention span on the fans. The only way I could figure out how to show you this stellar moment I noticed during the game tonight was to record it on my camera so I apologize for the poor quality, but not for the amazing commentary. (Shout out to my DVR! Yeah son.) Please follow along as one of the classy audience participants of tonight’s festivities proceeds to eat shit without her friends even caring. Wow…I made this drunk moment almost sound legit. You’re welcome whoever you are you drunkity drunk bottle blond! I hope you have aspirin for that ass ache tomorrow!

I wish I were related to Jimmy Kimmel…

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2009 by ali

I can’t believe the big news today is that a porn star has H.I.V.  Who the Eff is this news to? Aren’t we still at f-ing war? Until they release that chicks name so I can google her to see what she looks like, I don’t care. When you have sex with TONS and TONS of guys and girls you have a good chance of catching “the hiv.” Please don’t act surprised.

On a much more interesting note…(Insert Oreo/sandwich joke involving me here.) 

It’s gotta be the shoes…

Posted in TV + Insomnia= Story of my life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2009 by ali

I believe Salt-N-Pepa said it best, “Aww yeah, aww yeah!” Good job Magic. Although I don’t care about your team too much, I do care for Rashard Boo. Really, I just want the lame flag flying to stop. It’s hard to concentrate on the road when I’m rolling my eyes at your eyesore.

Weeds started last night and it was AWESOME!! I hope you are all following along with it and are caught up so you knew “WTF” was going on. Doug as usual stole the show for me. Kevin Nealon is a comedic genius. Nurse Jackie premiered afterwards and it is officially my new favorite show. This bitch is crazy and totally unexpected. That’s all I will say so I don’t ruin it because you HAVE to watch it. I swear I’m becoming more TV obsessed the older I get. Maybe agoraphobic people really just want to stay home and watch the House Ho’s of New Jersey?

Something off subject I was wondering if someone could explain to me please (inspired by watching another goodie, The First 48). If a man is sentenced to back-to-back life because he brutally killed two people, has zero possibility of parole EVER, is being held in a “high security” prison because he is at risk of hurting other inmates…WHY DO WE NOT KILL HIM?? Why should we pay for this a-hole to breathe, have a pen pal, or even take a shit? We pay for his toilet paper! You can’t tell me with the science we have these days there is any possibility that he is in someway innocent and it will someday come to light that he didn’t really commit two counts of murder. And he’s NEVER going to get out of jail so why is he alive? Really…I can’t wrap my over active mind around it!

So I only have to show face for like 11 hours at school now since I am winding down the “school phase” of life. I am heavy on the job prowl so if you know of anything…hey, it never hurts to ask. 

Going all gay fish.

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by ali

Listen, I CAN’T STOP!!! I am borderline obsessed with the best South Park episode EVER (other then “boy with balls on chin” and “scissor me timbers”) I like to call, “Kanye is a gay fish.” I am glad to see I am not alone with this passion because I happened on another website who posted these shoes…Kanye’s Nike “Air Yeezy.” Yeezy? Wow Konlame, your imagitzzzion and creeyzative “words” are so inzzspiring. Anyways the beauty of this is, a particular website is selling a custom pair. There is only one pair (a size 12) and they are $1500 but how can you miss out on owning your own fresh pair of Air Yeezy’s? you kick ass. I know another certain shoe company that might just want to follow your lead. I mean, they did make a hideous pair of gold and green shoes…

Here is the shoe and here is the link to check out this shoe. PLEASE don’t miss the product description it’s hysterical.

Going all gay fish. (I'm a fish ya'll)

You too can be in the frozen fish aisle feeling like a whore.