Archive for March, 2009

“My dog licked my balls.” Bob Saget

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 28, 2009 by ali

Trying hard to get out of my slump, we went to see Bob Saget tonight at the Brea Improv. We saw him last year and he was unbelievably funny so we HAD to go back. Tonight’s crowd was a wild bunch. Crazy drunk bitches yelling about Jaeger and lots of men named Mike. Good times. I needed that laugh that just blurts out, your mouth wide open and a hard laugh comes out. I got it tonight. If you are sick in the head and can follow someone with A.D.D. I highly suggest you check out Saget. This ain’t no Danny Tanner. I seen him! Here is a video I found so you can see he is FAR from his AFHV days….

DISCLAIMER: Mom, don’t watch this!!

I also decided to…wait; let me interrupt my own personal A.D.D. to say GO 76ers GO!!  6th place isn’t that bad for now. And Allen really needs to get back to my television pronto. Oh, and to the Pistons because 8th place might as well be last…wait, it is. And the Thuggets?? Whooo…I am loving it. Sorry…back to what I was saying before. I decided to go against the popular vote and make the Viagra commercial and let me be the first to say, it is gold. No, it is platinum. Out of four points I am sooo going to get a five. Bloweenie that DC! I am trying to figure out if there is a way to upload it…still. Until then take my word for it. Platinum.

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Today is not my day…

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2009 by ali
Say hello to my little...EFF YOU!!!!!

Say hello to my little...EFF YOU!!!!!

Ever have one of those days where you just want to have a pity party table for one? Well Eff you if you say you haven’t liar. Today is my day. Bitter balls I am. Not that sitting in a four hour lecture from 10:30 to 1:30 wasn’t totally stimulating…or the jack asses on the 405 on the way home just learning to drive wasn’t an eye-opening life and changing experience. It is just a combo of that shit plus some all meshed in with the fact that I have a birthday looming. And while my life is quite full, this isn’t exactly what I had pictured. Not just that but, the exhausted feeling is setting in and the weight of the world feels like it’s being carried by me…I know, worlds smallest violin playing right? Whatever. I can’t be “ON” all the time. Sorry to disappoint. To top it off the Gaykers beat the Pistons…although I figured they would since Rasheed, Rip and the only man that would make me happy right now Allen Iverson didn’t play. Oh…and the boys on Making the Band are fighting. Jesus H. CHRISTmas. You’d think I was on my period. I hope tomorrow nobody F’s with me. Pardon my mood. I’m just being honest with you…

Help me help you help me.

Posted in GET ON THE POLL TIME! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2009 by ali

First and foremost, good f-ing job Nuggets with your stellar win over the New Whorleans Whornets. 101 too 88?? Haha…that’s a beat down I can back! The 76ers didn’t let me down either beating the lame ass Timberwolves. Sooo glad the game was in Philly instead of in the T-wolves arena because their wolf chants are unbearable and should be embarrassing for them. If I gave a shit about them I’d be embarrassed for them. I’m just saying. The Suns game kicked ass too beating the Mormon Jazz…good night for b-ball folks.

So, I’m working on a commercial for school, a minute long spot that is for any product. I of course thought of Viagra because again, I’m not the most mature 24 year old ever. Shut up Erin. After I got it semi together I thought maybe a better idea would be a commercial for Maury Povich, aka MoPo. I loves me some Maury. He is my old man crush…him and Letterman. It’s the cute little v-neck sweaters he wears so well. Haha…Connie is a lucky lady. Anyways, I am having a bit of commercial writers block. They are both pretty funny although the assignment doesn’t require them to be funny…I don’t know why not though. There are some “funny folks” at my school believe that. I figured what better time to create a poll! Whoo hoo, time to get on the pole…err…poll. So help a bitch out…I’m also taking suggestions. Keep in mind; the paper clearly states it “must be in good taste.” It’s funny because they actually have to write that for sick bitches like me. Your welcome ARB.

It’s like I am on mute…

Posted in TV + Insomnia= Story of my life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2009 by ali

I haven’t done much to write about really…unless you want to hear about basketball. I didn’t think so and I don’t really want to get into the loss the Pistons took this morning anyways. On a side note, I miss Allen. It’s ALMOST no fun watching.

I did however just get some pretty exciting news from Tara Grace, host of “The Men’s Dugout” on AM 830. (Angel’s baseball radio) I can now officially add Assistant Producer to my resume because I came up with the show questions for one of the guests. I guess all of those “Employee Spotlights” just paid off for me. I never thought I’d say thank you to ST but…naw, never mind.

I did also want to give a BIG congrats G on becoming an Auntie (Or Ontie as Haven’s peeps would say) for the second time! I can’t wait to see pictures of little Brody! I’ve got nothing much else to say for now. I am glad I don’t go to school on Monday’s because it’s like I have a 3-day weekend all the time. I just wanted to rub that in…

In case you missed it the first time…

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , on March 18, 2009 by ali

Come on baby make it hurt so good. Sometimes love don’t feel like it should. You make it…hurt so good.” John Cougar Mellencamp

In other words…SUCK IT, SUCK IT, SUCK IT!!!!!!!

Wait for it, wait for it….

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2009 by ali

OK I have to say; I just saw this article about this new food product in Germany. I’m thinking Germany is just trying to jump on the Obama bandwagon and take a page out of the American handbook and use a celebrity to sell the product. Also, last time I checked German’s weren’t “fond” of my peeps. For the first time in my life, our President is pretty much a celebrity in the sense that paparazzi and Oprah didn’t follow Bush around. Ya dig? Ok…back to the product. It is Monday at 12:22 pm and I wonder how long until Jesse Jackson or the disgraceful “Reverend” Sharpton will release a statement. I’m sure racist Michael Basiden will be blowing this WAY out of proportion later on too…

To that I say…if the product was made of beef would people simmer down? I’m just saying…they killed 6 million of my folks but I’d still eat this. 

Calm down...it's on a one week trial run.

Calm down...it's on a one week trial run.

Lagging…

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2009 by ali

Lagging in the sense that I have been busy yes, but mostly too lazy. My bad. I’ll just jump right into it. Last night’s Roast of “Larry the Cable Guy” was hysterical!! I hope you saw it or DVR’d it because Lisa was classic but, there were a few more surprises along the way. On the panel of roasters was some football guy…just kidding, it was Warren Sapp. I only know this guy because I had the displeasure of catching Dancing with the “Stars” last season and had to watch him do the rumba. Warren was pretty funny and I got to thinking he is a pretty witty guy. It’s fun to see when people you least expect make you laugh. Gary Busey was also a roaster and damn, he was pretty good…I was nervous for him because he turned into such a nut-job but it turned out funny as hell. Marcia Brady was on the panel too and she was also funny!! WTF? How are all of these peeps so amusing? Ok, I am a dipshit. I am watching the credits start rolling and I don’t know why but…there was a LONG list of writers. WHY did I ever believe these people could actually be funny and write their own stuff? At least the really good roasters wrote their own stuff. Right?? Disappointed a little I got to thinking; maybe I could aspire to be one of these writers? I could be part of the magic that is “roasting!” I mean…I am pretty good at shit talking. 

The other day I went to Little Caesar’s aka Lil’ Sleezers for a $5 pizza after I picked up Haven from softball practice. We are walking into the back door and the outside floodlight is on. I don’t know about your house but when my floodlight is on, the moths get their nightly meetings on around mine. Sick. This night in particular, there is a full on Silence of the Lambs moth kicking it by my light. It was HUGE! So we are moving as steady as we can and my hands are pretty full with 2 bags, my purse, a pizza and I am trying to unlock a door. You almost feel like your there huh? BAM!!! The moth takes flight right straight to the left side of my neck and starting fluttering on my neck and hair getting his molest on. I of course kept my cool…as if…I starting screaming and threw EVERYTHING across the back and started swatting at my neck. Hahaha…the look on Haven’s face was priceless. Luckily the pizza landed the right side up and the moth landed back on the wall. Sorry if you are a moth lover…matter of fact, you might want to stop reading now animal lovers of the world. What I am about to tell you and show you is pretty graphic. I grabbed my shoe and nailed that bitch. Let that be a lesson bugs of the world. The only bugs allowed on my neck have two g’s if you catch what I’m throwing. I figured no one would believe me when I said it was sooo big so I took it upon myself to take a picture. I put a pop-top next to it to remind you to save yours and because then you can see how big this thing really was. R.I.P. you nasty ass moth. I don’t know what you ate before you died but I hope it doesn’t stain my cement.

DISCLAIMER: Not for the weak of stomach. Seriously, this bugs ass EXPLODED!!

"Don't come around here no more..." Tom Petty

"Don't come around here no more..." Tom Petty