Archive for December, 2008

Board Ops

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2008 by ali

I believe the actual term is BORED being the operative word. Holy shit. If I get a job doing board ops I really hope I am allowed to surf the web or watch TV. If you’re not familiar with the term or WTF I am talking about here is the basic rundown. Keeping the levels good for your listening pleasure, playing commercials at the correct times, and playing a group of songs with a theme. Usually the theme here in school is some thing bad. That should be the name of the theme, “Something Bad.” So while I was in “Adult Contemporary” hell I decided to do a little critic and run down the top three songs that made me want to cut my ears off alla Van Gogh. We can file these under the bads. Fo sho. I think the  “Adult Contemporary” was filed wrong in this case as most of these songs are in my kids Ipod and on 102.7. (Hey, I can’t FORCE her to love Jay-Z or Brian McKnight!) It’s weird because I always thought 102.7 was for the kids. I mean, they do edit the f*%k out of their songs right? Anyways…here is the rundown on the gems I had the pleasure of playing today. I’d say look them up and give them a listen. But I don’t hate you. 

Blue October (Into the Ocean)- Good God. WTF are these dudes? Or dude? Whateves. This song is the f-ing lamest shit ever. The premise is the guy is drowning. I am guessing that is douche-bag code for he’s in love and confused as well as consumed. It’s not all bad though; there is a good line in the song. “Into the ocean, end it all.” YES!! Blue October, I am talking to you. Go with that feeling. End it all bro! Stop the singing and step away from the microphone!! No more singing for you…well, unless you are three large Sake’s deep and you MUST sing “Let’s Go Crazy” by Price. Then you’re excused. 

Corinne Bailey Ray (Put Your Records On)- Suck to the S. This song blows. I’m not saying she is a bad singer but this song hurt my ears. Maybe it’s her pitch or maybe it’s the words of the song that are sooo uplifting. Whatever it is I’m going to need a favor…again, if there is a God…PLEASE when I get a job please, please don’t let this song be in their rotation. Matter of fact; please don’t let this song be in their library at all. Amen.

Kelly Clarkson (Walk Away)- Again, not saying KC isn’t full of talent. After all, you a-holes fed into American Idol and picked her right? You know there is only one A.I. for me but I must confess, while I never watched the show I did feed into one or two Kelly songs. I blame my kid and KIIS for that. This song however, must be the one that took her OFF the map. I hope I never hear this song again. Ever. And that goes for you too Avril Levigne and your stupid song I had to play, “When Your Gone.” Shut up shut up SHUT UP!!!!

Phewww! Ok, I feel a lot better now. I do have a list of the top three good songs I played as well but at this point, I’m exhausted. Reliving the two hours straight I played “Adult Contemporary” and the 15 minutes I actually enjoyed it makes me want to call it a night. Eleven.

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Gather around kids, it’s story time!!

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2008 by ali

So here is the scenario…my daughter slept over at her “softball friend’s” house over the summer. We are talking two months ago folks…really. So at this time Haven got some really cool head phones called “ear buds” courtesy of Mikey at my old job. He is the man with the hook up!! (THANK YOU!!) So Hav is pumped on her headphones and since she just got a new ipod a month earlier, she HAD to bring them to her friend’s…we’ll call her little friend “Be-otch” in order to protect her identity. Ok, so forgetful pre-teen Haven forgets her ipod/headphones at “Be-otch’s” house so she calls “Be-otch” to ask her to bring them to the softball fields. Well, “Be-otch” brings the ipod but does NOT bring the new ear buds. Now let me just give you a little background on my kiddo’s softball. My parents are like the “softball parents” as they are the one who go to all of the games. The reason I opt out is not because I am a bad mom who doesn’t support my kid. It’s because I can’t understand why the parents take the sport so serious. They freak out and yell at the kids every chance they get. Yell at them for what you ask?? Ummm…for trying I guess. For thinking they were signing up for fun but entering a softball boot camp of sorts. No bueno. This is why I remove myself from the situation. So basically this is a “Haven and Grandpa” kind of thing. I’m ok with that. Back to the story….I tell my dad he needs to contact “Be-otch’s” mom…ummm…let’s call her “C-word” and tell her that her kid needs to return Hav’s headphones. He does and “C-word” says that “Be-otch” doesn’t have them. NOT!!! I’m calling bullshit. Now if you know me well then you’ll know that NO ONE messes with anyone I love. Especially my kid. That being said, Monday I decide this has gone on way too long and take matters into my own hands. I call “Be-otch” and tell her I will be there in a hour to pick them up. The end. So maybe about a hour and a half later “C-word” calls me and I can tell from her shaky tone she is obviously agitated. Good, let’s rumble bitch. “C-word” starts in talking and sticking up for her kid…I understand that but damn, the facts are the facts. There were two things left at her house and only one was returned. The math don’t add up. Anywho, I broke the cardinal rule and commence to talk some shit on her kid. I told her she, “must be really proud to have raised a thief for a daughter who happens to have the mouth of a sailor.”  (By the way, Haven also called “Be-otch” to ask for them back and was told to F%*K OFF, by “Be-otch” which is how I know her mouth is trash.) This of course pissed her off her mom so much that she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs, “MY DAUGHTER DIDN’T TAKE HAVEN’S HEADPHONES!!!” This display…made me laugh. Out loud. I mean what kind of grown ass woman needs to scream that loud to get her point across to another woman?? I have the answer. A F-ing crazy woman! So me laughing at her frustration made her get even more nutty (which I am really enjoying at this point) and she SCREAMS she is “Sick of hearing about this matter,” and “She just wants it to end.” Uhh, duh! I let her know I’d take the headphones to make it end or  a check to cover them. She breaks into “C-word” mode and says she is NOT going to pay me because her daughter DOES NOT HAVE THE HEADPHONES!!!! Then she tells me she is going to call the police. HAHAHA, I laugh out loud and calmly remind her that she actually called me and she is clearly screaming and harassing ME…and I am clearly calm. I also at that point invite her to waste Lake Forest PD’s time because I’d LOVE to file a theft report on her daughter. It’s like I almost saw the light go off in her head and she realized that she had taken this WAY too far so…she hung up on me. It was easily the highlight of my day. I basically ruled out ever seeing the headphones or the check for them but I felt content with knowing that she is a certifiable nut job and that I kept my cool. Bonus points for me.

Low and behold….two days after “Be-otch” and the “C-word” got away without getting bitch slapped by me, take a guess what happens?? Well, Haven slept over my folks house last night and guess what she found on the doorstep this morning?? A baby in a basket named Jesus (hispanic accent) and they took it in and loved it…just kidding…the f-ing headphones!!!! Wowza, I mean…I’m confused!! I though “Be-otch” didn’t HAVE HER HEADPHONES!?!?! What?? I wont hold my breath on an apology from the “C-word” because I can live with the satisfaction that I was right about softball moms, they are f-ing crazy…and this one in particular is a total wack job. I hope Santa brings that “C-word” some Valium for Christmas….

And to all a good night….HA HA HA…I mean…HO HO HO!

Get your holiday on!!!

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2008 by ali
Hey, at least I'm not talking about it right?

Hey, at least I'm not talking about it right?

I don’t have much to say tonight after getting back from “A Peter White Christmas” at the Grove. Don’t be quick to judge, it was for the magazine. I am pretty sure my parents would have loved it but Mike and I on the other hand, stood way back and observed…and left. Tomorrow school is closing early for the holiday so I will enjoy the time off. Haha…like I don’t have “time off” now. Easy now, Santa doesn’t like the jealous type…

Happy Hanukkah my fellow chosen ones!

Happy Hanukkah my fellow chosen ones!

I feel so violated…

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2008 by ali

Hell to the no!! Just when things are going good…BAM!!! Let just break it down for you. After a weekend packed full of excessive spending and impulse buying I decided to look at my account on-line to see what the damages were. What did I find? Some random ass charge from some random ass website for marine supplies of all things!! WTF? Ok, so if you know me you know this bitch don’t do water. I mean. I do showers and not golden ones…you sickos. So bottom line. Someone hacked into my account and bought themselves some jet skiing paraphernalia. Asshole. So now I have no bankcard because they are assigning me a new account number. Damn man, someone is SOOO not in the holiday spirit!! Jackin’ for Jesus…I always blame you.

Let me just touch on something really quick because it is consuming my mind…or lack there of. I don’t know if you all are following the “Caylee Anthony” story but it’s really interesting if your not. What first caught my attention was it’s a story out of Orange County…Florida. I got into this story about 6 months ago while watching my 2nd favorite “Southern Belle” Nancy Grace. I freaking LOVE Nancy Grace. My dad says Nancy is a bitch and it figures I would like her. I’ll take that compliment old man. Basically the story goes like this. A 22 year old mom named Casey didn’t report her kid missing for 2 weeks, looked up shovels and chloroform on the internet, made up some imaginary babysitter that NO ONE knows but her, went out bumping and grinding with bitches the day after she reported her missing…ummm…would barely help the cops…and KILLED HER DAUGHTER!!!! Oh god this mom Casey is such a bitch. Seriously folks. She killed her 2 year old and not only that, but they finally recovered the body 6 months later with no help from her and 15 houses down from her house (duh) and the skull of the baby had duct tape over the mouth!!! This is the craziest shit I’ve heard in awhile. They ALLEDGE (but it’s true) Casey chloroformed her 2 year old so she could go party. Opps!! She gave her too much and she KILLED HER KID!! God, if you’re real, please kill this bitch. Slow and painful and make sure there is duct tape involved. If you’re not familiar with this case…get familiar. My home girl Nancy Grace will fill ya’ll in….

Wipe me down….

Posted in Testies testies, one, two... with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2008 by ali

Sorry I have been lagging. It’s not for loss of stories believe me. Recap: I have been sick as an mf-ing d-o-double-g since Friday night. It started with a slight sore throat and turned into a cough much like the “whoop there it is” cough. No bueno. Imagine my sinuses at Mr. Nevill’s funeral. I sounded like a seal sniffing. Double no bueno. After that I pretty much drugged myself silly with some nasty ass medicine that Mike picked up for me. While I am thankful he is the sweetest and went out and got the meds while I was on my death couch, he couldn’t have picked a more horrific choice. Peeps, if you catch this end of the year “bug” I am just giving my motherly advice. DO NOT, under any circumstances buy Theraflu “warming” cough medicine. Holy f-ing gross! I sincerely had a hard time keeping it down. It gives me the chills just talking about it!! So today I am feeling better, finally. Yesterday in the pouring rain I had to drive to Bellflower to write up a T&A bar for the magazine. Tonight…I still haven’t written it. The magazine is really starting to make me mad because for two months in a row, MY article was featured with some other bitch’s name. HUH?? Of course I called them out on it because as you know, I have a hard time not speaking my mind. They apologized last month for the mistake and promised to print a retraction plus update their website which also has MY article with some other bitches name. This month, same f-ing deal. I went the F off. As you can imagine, they were mortified and promised the same. I swear…ok, I swear I don’t know what to do. I do like to “write the random”…but shit man. Not for some other bitches portfolio. Triple no bueno. I do have to say; tomorrow morning at 8 am I am interviewing Fountains of Wayne (from “Stacy’s Mom” fame and not much else) for the mag. I am stoked because it is giving me experience for when I interview DJ Quik…although; I assume the questions will be a little more pornographic for Quik.

Sooooo school…well, school is cool. (Rap intended.) Today was a great day in school for me even though I still have a cough and pretty much sound like a transvestite with emphysema. I had some funny ass conversations, talked some basketball…which is why I will spare you tonight, and I nailed the “commercial reading” in my vocal coaching so in all, I am feeling pretty rock star-ish about it. Tonight I applied for an internship at 97.1, which happens to be my favorite radio station. Yes it’s talk but damn…music on the radio blows. That is why god aka Bill Gates fronted the money to invent the ipod. Thank you. Oh, the best part of the internship? It’s for my all time favorite show…FHF. Yeah bitches, Frosty, Heidi, and Frank. If you don’t know who they are, get familiar. They make me think of Abe…thank you for the invite to your party. If I wasn’t “seeing the light” I totally would have LOVED to put on an ugly CHRISTmas sweater and partied with you. Wish me luck folks….

A New Chapter…

Posted in Shitty vs Stellar with tags , , , , on December 13, 2008 by ali

If you know anything about me, you’ll know I HATE mornings. It’s not a new hate, it’s an old school hate…mornings and I go waaaay back. My whole life actually. Maybe it’s my insomnia that makes it so hard for me to function in the morning. Maybe I’m really a vampire…who knows? What I do know is, for the last five to six years, the phone or my cell phone has awakened me up every effing day! Mike says I know too many people and says I am too open with too many people who feel the need to call me. These people he refers to are my friends. And let it be known, you can feel free to call me anytime…I am here for you. Just not before noon. I guess the bottom line is if you want to remain my friend (no pressure but, pleeeeaaaseee??) do NOT call me before…let’s say…noonish. Never ever peeps. While I know I have some more rebellious friends that won’t heed my warning (R.I.P. Biggie) about the early phone calls and well, they will feel the wrath. It’s only a matter of time. Erin also had a suggestion for me regarding my morning irritating and unwanted calls. She said, “Maybe you shouldn’t be so stupid to put your phone by your head!” Ummm, Shalom?? It is my alarm clock!  She says she is going to call me early on purpose to teach me a lesson. I in turn, will teach her several new vocabulary words and invent new ways to bitch people out. Speaking of bitching…and Erin…haha.  One day Erin and I were driving home for a lunch break (aka “MoPo time”) and we were doing the usual, bitching about work, money, men, and yadda yadda. The reason I’m telling you this is because we stopped behind this car (a total beater) that had a bumper sticker that read, “The longer you complain, the longer god will keep you here.” Ummm, god if you’re listening…NO DEAL!!! I don’t think two bitches have ever shut their mouths quicker. Maybe someone should tell the kids although, when you’re a kid it is all to the good. Kids pray for the phone to ring and want to live forever. Damn, to be young is to be diluted. Optimists would say, “full of hope” I am sure. Someone other then me (because my kid doesn’t believe a word I say…I know nothing) should tell the kiddo’s it isn’t all about going to school, where you live or where you came from. It’s all about what you complain about and how much time you actually spend doing it. Oh shit, I just realized I need to stop bitching about the bumper sticker. I certainly don’t need to stay here any longer than necessary!!

Flying Crips Forever

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 8, 2008 by ali

 

Rest in peace Mr. Nevill.

Although we were quite an odd pairing, you were one of my closet friends.

I can think of plenty more people who deserved this more than you.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

I miss you already.

Me and my Mofo

Me and my Mofo