Archive for November, 2008

I HATE TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!

Posted in TV + Insomnia= Story of my life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2008 by ali

No, no…not Sole Technology! I hate technical technology!! So my computer is on the fritz again. I swear messing with this thing is like a side job. I really have no idea what is wrong with it this time but I can tell you I have a cold and really attractive hacking cough and I am SO over trying to pretend I know how to fix this. As someone who gets TONS of spam e-mails (even though I filter) through yahoo…I am afraid of how much e-mail I’ll have to weed through to see what I really want to see. So by some holiday miracle, (Perhaps there is an equivalent to baby Jesus for Thanksgiving?) I figured out how to do a search on my computer that led me to some pimp-ass way to get on the net. It’s pathetic because I am lost with out my computer. It’s a boring life without it! What did I do for the last 3 days when my computer was being an asshole? Glad you asked. Not too much. Shit…I lead a boring life these days I guess. Basketball is a constant but I don’t need to get into that on a night like tonight when the world champion Celtics embarrassed my beloved 76ers. I think even the 76ers mama’s shed a tear or five. It was ugly. Capeesh? Oh yeah…”turkey day.” Well I had a great Thanksgiving even though I think the holiday is stupid. I guess if you want to gorge your face with turkey or ham, sit around and watch football, and fall asleep you’d LOVE Thanksgiving. Oh, or if you are a pilgrim you probably like Thanksgiving too. It is not for me though since I think turkey tastes like shit and a girl is trying to watch her calorie intake. I believe there is no good that can come of eating potatoes and stuffing only. My ass and thigh’s second that motion. Not my typical turkey day though, Mike’s family had music bumping from every room, dancing and drinking…they are a fun bunch. I got really lucky.

So today is the day after Thanksgiving and it the national day to shop right? Seriously, what sounds bad about fighting all the people with their shopping carts and strollers? Sadly, I was still awake at 4am yes, the thought did cross my mind about hitting up one of the million sales I saw advertised for hours on end. As if. I woke up at like noon and hit up Target and Big Lots. Apparently the sales were elsewhere. My Jewdar was waaaay off. I hope you all had a great holiday and ate way too much and gained like 5 pounds. I on the other hand plan to loose some lbs before this holiday weekend has run its course. Like Mike and his biggest fan Katt Williams says, “There is always a hater” and that hater is me. Hey, I gotta look good for Hanukkah!

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Addition to the list…

Posted in GET ON THE POLL TIME! with tags , , , , , , , on November 26, 2008 by ali

So FINALLY I found the perfect tattoo. Well, I think it is and I just wanted to try out a poll so here we go. Yes, this counts as #3 (A.I.) on a holiday list if there are any takers on contributing. I’ve been looking for years on how to translate my name to Hebrew so I can get it tattooed on my inner left wrist…where my watch would cover it in case I see my grandma or something. So my name doesn’t translate and I couldn’t think of any “meaningful” words to display so I kinda gave up hope. Until today. DA DA DAAAAAA!!!(Dramatic music.) I was looking up name meanings because I found this tote bag that my Grandma would love. So this company will put your name on it and then tell you what it means under the name. Turns out Grandma Babe’s name doesn’t mean shit so I searched out a few other names. While on my search I happened to check out Michael. Its meaning says it comes from the Hebrew name Mikha’el which means, “Who is like God?” WTF? Ok, so this is awesome because no one I know questions God more than I do. PLUS, get ready for this one…my middle name is Mikael. Haha…my dad says it is pronounced like Michael because he wanted me to be a boy, obviously. My Jewier side of the family (my real mom’s family) says it is pronounced Mikha’el like Gorbachev. Gross…yet an interesting twist. Now to the point…I have figured out my tattoo. While I HATE my middle name because as if it wasn’t bad enough being born on April 1st, they had to give me a middle name of a man. Turns out 33 err…24 years later, and when it’s written in Hebrew…it ain’t half bad! I hate it when my dad is right. So first poll I am creating is for the tattoo. Now that you got the quick version of the meaning and the meaning to me…what do you think? Oh, and no. I won’t get it tattooed all blurry and pixilated. Smart asses.

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All I want for Christmas…and/or Hanukkah.

Posted in The Answer with tags , , , , , on November 26, 2008 by ali

Again, I know you didn’t ask but I was just sitting here thinking about what I’ll be getting everyone on my list for the holidays. I was reading up on where the pros say the best deals will be on “Black Friday.” I’m not going to tell you because I need the deal more than you. Deal with that! So anyways, if any of you want to be real pals and give someone what they really and truly deserve in these hard economic times…think of me. I’ll even give you a choice between two…

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The Baconator

Posted in WTF? with tags , , , , , , , on November 23, 2008 by ali

Yesterday around 4ish the magazine called me for a last minute writing gig. I am not one to pass up a live show even though I had already had plans to party for the mags 2nd anniversary party at lame ass Sutra. Where did they send me? Oh you won’t believe this one. The Bacon Brothers. Yes, as in Kevin Bacon and his older brother. Of course I called my dad because I was certain he’d know what I was talking about. Yep, he was impressed. That led me to believe the crowd at a Bacon Brothers show must be mom and dad-like. Oh damn was I right. The cougars were in full effect and the people watching was at an all time high. Luckily I was standing next to the youngest people in the room who also liked to compare people to celebrity look-alikes. Never knew how popular that was huh?? Jump on board, it’s fun. In all, The Bacon Brothers are sooo not for me. The Coach House was interesting (I’ve never been there) but the parking situation was shit. I seriously parked a block and a half away. By the time I got to my car I was pretty much over going to Sutra, god I hate that place. Plus it was like 11:30 and a drive to Costa Mesa seemed like torture. Thank you “Jack in the Box” for making the best eggrolls in the world. I know they are so bad for me but good lord, they are perfection after 11.  The mistake was the soda I got with it. I was up until at least 4 am. Damn you Coke for being so good. Not cokieene (Scarface accent) but Coca-cola. Listen, that was a long time ago.

I need to just add something, we can call it a side note or whatever, but it needs to be addressed. Snoop D-O-double G has a reality show (that sucks) on E! called “Snoop Dogg’s Fatherhood.” Did I mention this is the most stupid show? Reality TV is really getting out of hand. Not the Housewives though…that is just fine. So let me tell you why I am giving Snoop any of my brain time at all. The show has a theme song and right now they are promoting the upcoming season of this shitty show. The theme song is bad. Excuse me, BADD. So now they have four different versions of the theme pretty much playing on repeat on the E! channel. One is sung by Bootsie “He’s still alive?”Collins, one by some dude from Korn, one by Estelle and one by fellow pot head Willie Nelson. In all the song is lame but there is one line that gets me every time. The line goes, “They call her “Choc” cuz she calls the shots.” When they say “Choc” they are referring to Snoops daughter who is dark…Wesley Snipes dark. I am guessing that is why they REALLY call her Choc. Maybe just maybe…we want some truth here Snoop. Well I got a little truth for you even though you are bull shitting us. You are soooo overrated. Please wait a year or 15 to put out another album and stay off the hooks. Oh and another thing Snoop. You are NOT a singer. I hate when rappers sing when they can’t. Case in point Kanye. STOP SINGING. Ok, I got off track. I just want you all to tune into the E! channel to see this horrific commercial and see the lies for yourself. Then turn it because no good can come of that.

Ode to my mamma

Posted in WTF? with tags , , , on November 23, 2008 by ali

My mom told me that my blog is hard to read due to the curse words. Haha, see, I am adopted. So I told her I’d write a completely clean “G” rated blog just for her. Ummm…yeah. I love you but that’s I all I got. Sorry, that’s all I have.

One ugly right handed thumb down.

Posted in TV + Insomnia= Story of my life with tags , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2008 by ali

Today the phone did not wake me up. FINALLY! So, what woke me on this glorious Tuesday you ask? This might sound kinda out there, but listen to me. I am your elder. (Well, except you DT and Erin of course.) True story, a male painter taping plastic over my windows woke me up from the dream I was having about winning on sports betting, legal of course. Good morning peeping Tomas! I felt so violated…haha…I immediately thought of Dexter and his “kill rooms” adorned with plastic. Yikes. Speaking of yikes, my thumb is still gross. A friend of mine, who says I mention her too much, says she thinks my thumb nail will fall off. I beg to differ but if it does, believe I will have a Lee press-on thumb nail so don’t even make fun. My thumb may be my best asset so I have to keep my eye on it to make sure it doesn’t get too fugly. But it’s close to being there.

As pathetic as this is (Yes, I am aware of how pathetic this may sound.) I sooo can’t wait for the Housewives of Hotlanta finale tonight. 20 minutes away to be exact. Just as I say, “Noooo, don’t leave me Hotlanta” the Househo’s of OC will be back on Tuesday. Haha, Mike is so screwed. Hey, Sunday football for him and trash TV for me. Don’t judge. On a side note, the commercials they are playing over and over on Bravo right now are KILLING me! If I have to hear Padma from Top Chef (which I do NOT watch) say, “I (pause) spit (pause) it (pause) in my (pause) napkin” one more time…I f-ing swear…

One good-looking left handed thumb up to the Nuggets who kicked the shit out of the Bucks tonight. Sorry…I just have to give props where props are due. Word to your mother.

Ouch and OUCH!!

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2008 by ali

Ok, so I get it…simmer down with the b-ball! Damn, I will try but sometimes my passion gets the best of me. Tonight however, the Pistons and my favorite hot-ass, Allen Iverson pretty much got the beat down by the Suns so you are in luck. I don’t feel like talking about it but I must say…Happy Birthday Amare aka Stoddie the Hottie! I wish I could put you through the spanking machine but I doubt very highly you’d fit through my legs. Speaking of birthdays, Happy belated 30th birthday Adrian!! I wish I could get you Zooey Boo for your b-day but Roc might kick my ass. But it’s the thought that counts. Now Adrian…he’d fit through the spanking machine. Next time I see him I’ll be spanking him like the Pistons spanked the Gaykers on Friday. Happy b-day indeed!

So last night I went to my friend Sharon’s (I told you, other Sharon!!) housewarming party-hardy in Long Beach. Her house is so damn cute. Her backyard is equally as awesome as it has the perfect set up for a “Mike studio.” I need to get that Long Beach house…damn layoffs. So anyways, after a good night with good friends (who I miss soooo much!) I make it home pretty early. Great I’m thinking I can get the last three articles I need to get done for the mag. I get out of my Jeep and BAM!!! I slam my right thumb in my door and folks, I could barely breathe. I tried to take a picture of my “plumb thumb” but I am guessing it was just too ugly and my camera refused to focus on it. It looks sick, believe me. Oh, and it hurts like a bitch. So I didn’t get much done last night although I noticed my thumb was hot enough to melt ice cubes. What is that shit? Today, it looks grosser and hurts a wee bit less. (Yes, I said a wee bit; I’m trying to erase color lines with leprechauns.) Today we pretty much kicked it all day watching some fun fun football games. I am surprised I stayed awake. I got all of my writing done and now I can’t wait to have Dexter day tomorrow. Since Erin got the last 2 season’s she will be catching up, and Roc and Terrance will catch up…and just so I can rub it in those late losers faces…tonight “real time” episode of Dexter was f-ing great. Well, and it pissed me off but when everyone catches up we can discuss it then. I don’t want to ruin one of the greatest shows out there for my “day late and a dollar short” friends. Always thoughtful…you’re welcome.