Archive for September, 2008

TV + Insomnia= Story of my life

Posted in TV + Insomnia= Story of my life with tags , , , , , , , on September 30, 2008 by ali

Today was a loooong day. I seriously have issues with sleep. I don’t know why it is my enemy. What the eff did I ever do to sleep in my past life, or the f-ing sleep fairies, or Mr. Sandman or whatever?? Shit, it must have been bad. I must have had some crazy ass dream in the womb where I kill sleep with a slow painful death…like the one sleep gives me when I can’t become one with, sleep. Nevertheless, it has made for some interesting TV “intrests” in my life. I have to confess the gayest shit you’re going to hear, maybe ever. I was seriously sitting here thinking, I wish they showed reruns of the Arsenio Hall show. Ahhh Arsenio. WHOOT! WHOOT! WHOOT! (That’s the sound of the dog pound bitches.) Hahaha, that actually might be the gayest shit but let me get back on track. Ahhh Arsenio. I love this man. Say what you want about this extra gums or his long fingers…I can dig it. I loved him in Coming to America. My first “black guy crush” with the exception of Michael Jackson. (Insert joke here.) I even wanted to name my first son Semi after his name in the movie. (Insert joke/nickname for a child named Semi here.) I got a sweet TV in my room via a Christmas gift from the folks in highschool. (Hanukkah gifts are much cheaper, imagine that!) I also got a VCR that year, that must have been the last year I was good. Since my dad had strict rules that my TV had to be off at 11 and Arsenio didn’t come on until 11:30…I had to tape it. Wait a minute, I think my dad was keeping me away from Arsenio!! Haha, damn. So anyways, I had this one tape I punched out the plastic pieces to make it so you couldn’t tape over it. Tonight, with Arsenio Hall on my mind and now yours….I give you my favorite episode ever. Forever ever?? Hell to the yeah.

This is for you Brittles…Jill came down with two-fifty. OHHH!! (ADC) 

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Practice makes perfect? What if you’re already perfect?

Posted in The Answer with tags , , , , , , on September 29, 2008 by ali

Let me just put this out there. I have a crush on a lot of guys. And while I am fairly certain my boyfriend is the hottest guy in my eyes, there is one that rises above even Mike. Who is this “hottest of all hotties?” Allen Iverson. Even his name is sexy. Allen and Ali Iverson. A.I. and A.I. Yes, it does have a nice ring to it huh? I don’t know what makes him so flawless; I’d like to thank his mama if I ever get a chance to meet her though. I think guys even have to look at this picture of perfection and want to make out. Even the straight ones. Go on, admit it if only to yourself. Allen was always hot to me even way back when he started playing for the 76ers. I miss those days. After I wipe my tears I have to say, in the end I am happy for his trade to Denver. I don’t think his odds are looking any better for the ring he sooo deserves but, if not for going to the Nuggets I wouldn’t have found JR Smith who is another hot ass. Not hotter then Mike, but damn….

So what made me think of #3 on a day like today? It’s another day I am awake. Everyday I breathe I think of this man at least 439 to 576 times a day. I don’t think I am a straight stalker so don’t get my love for “The Answer” (to all my prayers) as a crazy thing. I am merely here to give props and just put it out there. Who knows, maybe Allen’s former assistant’s half brother’s, veterinarian’s right hand “man” to the promotion director of payless shoe stores (who happens to be a tranny) will read this. And shim will tell his herrrr braider’s uncle twice removed (because he hooked up with the babysitter) baby’s mama. And she will tell Allen about me and then we will hook up and opps! The condom will have a hole in it and…just kidding…or am I?

He is fine as wine…second 41 and 42 are the best ever. Haha, that did sound stalker-ish.

FHF….Oh you didn’t know?

Posted in Par-day Har-day with tags , , , , , , on September 28, 2008 by ali
Frosty, Heidi and Frank

Frosty, Heidi and Frank

From 10-2 on 97.1, Frosty, Heidi, and Frank talk up the airwaves. They are hysterical, all three of them. Frosty is my favorite, people pick on him all the time…call him gay, fat, and a lover of young boys in particular. Haha, they are kidding of course, but I’m sure that’s why I love him so much. I tend to root for the under dog. Heidi is a lesbian…for now, and Frank is hot. You really need to check them out because they are FUNNY. So, yesterday was their 8-year anniversary and they threw a big bash at The Grove. You paying attention? That is two nights in a row at The Grove. Thought one: I really need to make a friend there. Thought two: I sense there will be more people there then last night. My friend Erin is also a fan so after minimal traffic and a 20-minute wait, we were in. It was packed with some of the finest people watching EVER.  (I will add pictures as soon as I get them off Erin’s camera.) You have to see the mix of people at an event like this for yourself and I suggest you get on the FHF train so you can hear and see what I am talking about. It was awesome. There was guy in a skirt with a huge plume like feather in his hat, random skanks, fat people making out…haha, hickies. Some guy even accused me of having fake boobs. Haha, I’m sure he was just being kind. Either that or tightening up those bra straps was the best idea I had all night. A bunch of bands played also because on Friday’s FHF do this thing called “Stay or Go” where a group plays two songs and people say…duh…stay or go. I am surprised they don’t have a better name for that segment because they are some witty mofo’s. For their anniversary party, they had some of the bands that got no “goes” perform live for a prize.  What I do know is the band with the black guy with the fro won the contest. What I don’t know is what the prize was because a couple cocktails, shots, and I pretty much remember that I had a good time and not much else. My boyfriend Mike met us there after he got off work to take me home because Erin had to get up early for work. Mike and I shut the place down. I was so glad he came up there not only for the ride home, but since he’s a fan too, it made it all the better. On a side note, he couldn’t have parked his car further. Haha, they brought Frosty, Heidi and Frank out a HUGE boob cake and Frank gave it a brumski. I called it from a mile away but it was still funny. I love piecing the night together…

Brazilian Girls? Really?

Posted in WTF? with tags , , on September 26, 2008 by ali

Ok what the F? I have this amazing freelance writing job for a magazine. Actually, it’s two magazines…but it’s sorta the same. Just geared towards a different city. Ya dig? The best part about this side gig of mine is the experience (Duh) and the subtle rewards I get to reap from it. They ask me to do the most random editorials. Seriously, this year I have written everything from a bowling alleys grand opening to a yarn store. I challenge you to write 1,000 words on a yarn store people. Needless to say, it has really stretched my imagination and improved my mental list of adjectives. You really need to get in-depth with your inner bullshit when you HAVE to say something nice about a concert or a restaurant, or a DVD, or a concert….or a concert because they are paying for ad space. So goes the biz I guess. You not catching what I am throwing? Let me use tonight as an example. Tonight I went to the Grove of Anaheim. The mag has tickets for me to see Brazilian Girls. I said Brazilian Girls. Yeah, I don’t know who they are either. I Googled them and of course to be kitschy, Brazilian Girls are made up of one woman and three men. When they took the stage tonight, I realized that Google must have had it all wrong. That is because; the lead singer of the Brazilian Girls is preggers. I’m talking full on basketball smuggling. And you know how pregnant women (not pregnant men, studies show of course) have some sort of magnetic attraction with their hands and their bellies? Well there was no exception to the rule tonight. Sabina is the lead singers name and as she wailed out in this Enya-esque style, “INTERNASSSSEEEENOOOOOL (Translation: International) BEEEBBBBEEEEEE” (Translation: Baby) she rubbed her scantily covered international bun in her preverbal oven. It was awkward to say the least watching her rub the Buddha while she crooned LAZY LOVER. Yikes. That ain’t a very good business card for her baby daddy. Holy shit, she did this whole whistling segment also into the mic. Haha, I just thought of that, sorry. I forgot to mention it had two opening acts. “DJ/Beatmaker” called Free the Robots from Santa Ana that was horrific to say the least. Robots is plural just so you know and just to keep up with the kitsch, this is of course a one-man band. Seriously, I feel bad to say it because the Robot really was feeling the music. However, he was the only one. Pheww, ending an already long day that included WAY too much caffeine for human consumption, I was lucky enough to see something new, experience something different, and get paid and you know that I know it’s all about gettin’ that cheddar. I’m not really complaining deep down I guess. I also have the feeling you may think I am being overly dramatic about my wonderful evening in Anaheim amongst a crowd of maybe 150 complete “I do care, but I don’t care because I’m in Jr. College” sprinkled with a few older pervy looking folks. Just so you can stop passing judgment of what I truly had to endure in order to pursue my dream of writing for XXL magazine and one day interviewing DJ Quik and making out…here is a visual illustration. Wow…it’s like your there with me.

 

Free The Robots…courtesy of myspace of course. I won’t put you through the audio, you’re welcome. Here is a picture though so you know what I was looking at.

 

The other opening band I don’t really care to talk too much about because I hate it when people make excuses when I don’t know any better. The singer says…in her best cutesy baby voice….”Boo hoo I am sick so pardon my throat and voice!” Ummm…who the hell are The Submarines anyways and how would I know your voice is jacked? Maybe it’s just me. I mean, they are going on tour with Amiee Mann. Riiiight. Who?? Whateves, here is a picture of them.

And the moment you’ve been waiting for. Brazilian Girls. Haha, sorry. But they sucked. I know I am only one person and one opinion doesn’t really matter…or mine for that matter. Form your own. They have three albums (I think) so folks must dig em’. Must be why The Grove, which probably holds over a thousand people, had like 150 tonight. This clip isn’t from tonight obviously, and THANK GOD tonight she was clothed in the finest maternity wear from Babies-mamas-R-“you know what’s” rather then what she is rocking in this video.  I sense you’ll be “picking up everything I’m throwing down” after you see it. Yes, this is real.

 

Is this thing on??

Posted in Testies testies, one, two... with tags , , on September 25, 2008 by ali

This is a perfect idea from one of my friends DT. You don’t know him, he’s my old boss. Ok, he isn’t old…I mean he is a past boss of mine. Whatever, you get it. I feel like I need to “get the stress out”, “not keep it bottled up,” “take this pill and you’ll feel like the f-ing sunshine isn’t there to give you cancer,” or how that tranny trash Mariah Carey put it, “shake it off.” What better way then to work it out than here…through words…that you can pretend to be interested in. Life is a walk in the park it seems to some, but they are “special” so F them. I like to think I am a laid back person while I am uptight about some things. Like my 13 year old who is taking the whole “13” thing a little too literal these days. We’ll get into that at some point.

I gotta tell you though. My friends are a funny ass group of people. I notice in my elder years most of my friends are found at work…as this is where most of us spend the most time. Trust me, they did studies on that shit. I have a couple friends that are EXTREMELY hysterical and I will get there permission to post about them later. For now, I’ll just give you a little insite to my life…and how my day goes. It seems like everything happens to me…yes mom, the black clouds follow me. And yeah, I get it. I might have started on a self induced “rocky” (to say the least) start in my later teen years, but now, I have blossomed into a full on Gen X, confused and synical adult.  Watch out now, I’m raising America’s youth….tomorrows President. Oh my god, imagine that, a child of mixed races in the white house. I wonder if “the good” Reverend Al Sharpton would approve because she is sorta black. Yeah I said it. Fuck it.

So I went through what I like to call, “seating arrangement heaven” while in my old position at the company I still work for. Capeesh? Ok, so I sat by these two guys let’s call them…Dr. Brutus and Count Rocula. You know what? F it because when you peep the pure magic of the video you will see their names. Ali+my memory= what is douchey things I say that I would like to take back for $1400 Alex. Kids…methamphetamine have lasting side effects. Not that I know, just this one chick I know told me. FOCUS!! So Britt and Roc (my old cell..err..cube mates) are Olympic contenders for the 2010 fall fashion season in historic Shamokin, Pennsylvania. Oh you didn’t know? Please check out the proof I just happen to have. Not that I keep this link on file but you know…the photography IS phenomenal and all. And YES, I am aware that “DP” stands for other things than director of photography. Sickos you are.